but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
