Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
