just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize