Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize