you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
