Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Randomize
