Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
