She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize