i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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