I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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