Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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