I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I love you.
Bad choice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
