Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
