Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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