i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
