If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
