What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
