Just fell off a train. Bad.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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