that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
