I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
