Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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