Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
