I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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