hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
