i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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