Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
