Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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