I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
