dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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