I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
