Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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