Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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