i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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