I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
