I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
