You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
