i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
