we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
