My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
