i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
