Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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