My liver just broke up with me...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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