Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
