Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
