When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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