Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
birth control should be required to get into college
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
