her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize