i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
