Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
