Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
