So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
